Sweet Cars

These were the cars mini cakes that were supposed to be the main attraction (besides Cole!) at his playdate birthday party... we had to make them ourselves and we had quite the time.

Cole got into the cake batter, er powder as you can see by the evidence on his face.

No bueno

Well, I started bleeding and cramping yesterday. It was a very red, very thin flow. At the Drs. they did another vaginal ultrasound and still saw no sac, no thickening of the lining.

They drew blood AGAIN. This time I couldn't even fathom going another whole weekend wondering. So I asked if they would rush the results. They did. They were at 509 today.

In Will's words: "No bueno,... we're back to humping."

I get to see the OB tomorrow

Sorry I didn't update you all but I am not nauseous anymore. It was the antibiotics I am taking. They make me feel weird so I am trying to time the taking of it better.

But I see the doc tomorrow! Yay! I was spotting since Tuesday but it's so minimal and it kinda doesn't scare me anymore. Tonight I started feeling the ovulating pains too. I hope I'm not ovulating...that would be even more weird than things already are.

I'll keep you posted,..maybe even from the docs office if I can remember how to text my blog. Please pray for us that a sac can be seen tomorrow if they do an ultrasound.

Nauseated

Ok, I am starting to feel an onset of nausea. Yay but super crappy! Yay because that means pregnancy is progressing but I kinda hate my life when I am vomiting 24/7.

Maybe it's the sour pickle I ate-that was yummy! Maybe it's the web surfing I've done tonight. Maybe it's the antibiotic for the urinary tract infection. Maybe it's Cole who is talking in circles and should be in bed. Maybe it's all the work I have to get done. Maybe it's all in my head.

Update to the update on To be or not to be,...

Ok, spoke with Drs. office at 1:00 and guess what? Levels still rising! We are still baking! Still scared, and leary, but yay!!!! Levels today were 222.2, which is a rise of about 67%. Please keep praying that everything continues to go well.

Update on To be or not to be...

Just called the OB/GYN this morning and they don't have results yet! Urgh!!!! I have to call back this afternoon. This will make for a very long day!

I'll continue to keep you posted.

To be or not to be,...Pregnant.

That is the question. The question of the hour. Of the day. Of the week. Of this extraordinarily long weekend.

I feel like one of those characters in one of those daytime soaps. Where to begin,... the beginning I guess.

I have neglected to blog about Part 2 of the story, how I told Will and mom and everyone we were pregnant. There was a reason I deliberately stayed away from my blog for so long, this time at least. I didn't know how the story would end and I was afraid to keep telling you how wonderful this pregnancy was when we didn't even know the viability of it. We still don't know.

THE TIMELINE:

Tuesday, March 10 (11:54 am)

• Positive Pregnancy Test - I love you ClearBlue Digital!!!!
  

Sunday, March 14 (10:25 pm)

• I was sitting here at my computer blogging about walking on Cloud Nine. I posted the story and later that evening went to the bathroom only to find a smidgen of a trace of blood when I wiped. So immediately, I sent an email out to a few friends. It went something like this: "Just went potty and I am spotting ever so slightly. Please pray for us."
  

Monday, March 15 (9:33 am)

• Went to OB/GYN and urine test was positive but very light - they commented that it may be very early still. I was almost at 5 weeks though - not early at all. Hope is lost.
  
• Dr. decided to pass on vaginal ultrasound to not disturb anything.
  
• Blood was drawn to check HCG levels - results would not be in until Wednesday.
• Bleeding started full on this evening.
  

Wednesday, March 17 (8:45 am)

• Went to Drs. appointment to see levels of Monday's HCG blood draw. They were 79.2. I asked assistant what that meant, she said maybe 1-2 weeks pregnant. ALL hope is lost. I am positive I am miscarrying.
• Second blood draw to compare levels - they should rise at least 66% every 36 hours. Results would not be in until Friday. I schedule an appointment for Friday, think it's a waste but it's free, covered under the same pregnancy. So I go ahead and do it.
• I resign to the fact that I will not have a November baby.
• Cole asks if Baby is ok,...I tell Cole Baby is with God. He says he's very sad and rubs my back then kisses my arm.
• Heavy bleeding still.
  
• Extremely hopeful for the next few months.

Friday, March 19 (9:30 am)

• I walk into Drs. office and they make me pee in the cup. We have a routine now, Cole and me. He knows what to do too.
• They take my weight. I think I'm getting kinda fat. I've gained like 8 pounds in the last 6 months or so,...I'm really little people! 8 pounds is a LOT!
• They move me into the ultrasound room and ask me to undress from the waist down. I'm all like "No, no, no! We are just here to talk with the Dr and get the results."
• Nurse Practitioner comes in, smiles and says "we need to do a vaginal ultrasound. You're levels rose 75% like they should". I'm baffled!
• I tell her the levels are low and she says they mean nothing. All that matters is that they are rising.
  
• She does the ultrasound and sees nothing, no sac, no thickening of the lining. She loses some hope, I can see it in her face. She's stumped too. All we can do is draw blood again and find out Monday.
• We draw blood again.
• No longer bleeding, just an occasional spot.
  

So that's where we are. Waiting. All weekend long. Teetering on hope and reality. It's a fine line. I am getting the two confused. I have hope that with Him all things are possible, but I am afraid I am telling myself what I want to hear. The reality is, I am pregnant but how far along or how far lost we're not sure.

I'll keep you posted. I will know tomorrow. I will post as soon as I get back to my computer. A quick post. So stay tuned! And thank you for all your emails and comments and chats - I missed a few of you!!!!

Cloud Nine

I've been walking on Cloud Nine all week. Yes I have. I also cannot stop cleaning! I am walking around the house with a dustbuster. I think at first it was because I kept thinking that I only have a week or two before morning sickness sets in. It set in at about the 6th week with Cole. So even though every pregnancy is different, I have been pessimistic about it this time around. So I feel that it must be done now-now that I still feel good.

But Will, the optimist that he is, tells me to take it easy. And reminds me that every pregnancy is different. I just feel FANTASTIC right now! I did have a very slight headache that wouldn't budge and Friday I stayed home from a scrapbooking crop I was looking forward to forever. I cleaned and caught up on work and the headache went away. It must have been anxiety about the messy house and the projects I had going on.

Cole is excited to be a big brother. He threw a tantrum at a store the other day. As I swooped him up to take him to the car, he kicked me. So I told him that he mustn't do that because he could hurt the baby. I also milked it and told him that it makes the baby and me very sad that he behaves that way.

I had to go into Learning Express the other day for a birthday gift. Last minute as usual which meant I had Cole in tow. Do you see where this is heading? Toddler in toy store....

So, when we left, even after an extensive talk in the car and a "yes mommy, I understand that we will not be buying me any toys", Cole decided he wanted a toy and/or to stay longer, as in... forever. So I swooped him up but this time I held him with his back to my body so that if he kicked he wouldn't kick me. Why didn't I ever think of that? He was unable to use his arms to push off of me. Best idea since sliced bread.

After he calmed down in the car, he asked, tears in his eyes, "Is my baby ok?"

Pregnancy Story - part 1

Remember how I said that Cole has had what my mom calls "Mamitis"? It's when children are all whiney and clingy to their mommies. I described Cole's recent behavior in school and how concerned I was that something was up.

I dropped Cole off at school Monday morning (March 8, 2010) and spoke with his teacher. She too commented on Cole's recent behavior and teased if I might be pregnant. She urged me to visit Walgreens and just take a test. I was intrigued. Very intrigued.

But I waited. Aunt Flow was scheduled to come the following day and thought she might save me $15-she always did before.

Tuesday came. That was all that came all morning. His teacher's teasing kept going through my mind. I dropped Cole off at school and went next door to Walgreens afterwards.

Pregnancy test in hand, I walked out and wandered to Target. I looked at the pretty clothes and found myself in the maternity section. I wished I could shop there. Then I got sad and headed to my car and thought of all my friends who were praying for me, probably at that very moment as I should have been in bible study. I wanted to call them or text them and ask them to pray to be still my heart when I toook the test and got the results.

I cried in the Target parking lot and then my phone beeped. It was a text from Angela just saying hello. Ah, the timing! Angela, one of my many burden bearers and blog readers. So I told her I was sad and scared. And then I felt so much better.

I headed home to pee,...on a stick. There was no usual ritual, no thought about the results beforehand. I just peed. And voila! My stick had happy happy joy joy news! My stick told me I was pregnant. Seriously. Look!



Can you see it clearly? Here ya go again:



Stay tuned tomorrow for how I shared the news with Hubby!

A bit premature maybe,....

but with Faith in God's plan we announce:
Yes, that's right! We are pregnant!!!!! I wanted all my faithful blog readers to be among the first to know.

I am only 4 weeks along. Very very early still. But we're excited and thought we would burst if we held it in. Also, how unfair would that be to keep it a secret from you?

You didn't even know it, but all along you, my readers, were my burden bearers. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for all the words of encouragement as we struggled to bring this precious little prayer request to fruition.

Come back tomorrow for the story - really, it's already been written and scheduled to post all on it's own. I won't let you down!

Come Enjoy Us

It seems lately that Cole has really started to not like school. He might have mentioned it more than 3 times this morning that he specifically does not like school and he doens't want to go. I can't help but wonder what might have happened that would make him not like school anymore. I thought maybe the kids made fun of him - but then he's barely 3 and that's not likely. The only thing I could think of was that a few weeks back he got in trouble in class and went into time out for jumping off a table. And rightfully so. We followed up on the discipline at home too with another time out. Maybe for a 3 year old that's pretty traumatic? I don't know, I'm 30, and time outs are traumatic for me still. Not that I ever get put into time out but when I feel timed-out, I feel pretty lousy.

I have this anxiety about school. School for Cole. I HATED school. So I am kinda freakin' out. He cries when I leave him. Then he's fine 2 seconds later but I just can't help feel wrong about something.

He was telling me on the drive to school this morning that he didn't like school, he didn't want to go. So I told him that when we got home I would play with him. His face lit up. Then he asked if I would play cars with him. His ultimate joy, and all he wanted was for me to enjoy it with him, or to enjoy him. This, in this time of prioritization, should be top priority. I am making an effort to play with him more, to enjoy him more, but still, it just feels like I am being present. And it took an email to make me see that being present is different from being engaged. And he's 3 but he knows that even though Mommy is there, she's not really all there.

So today I will try to sit on the floor with my toddler, and play cars and build roads till his little heart just can't take it anymore. But then I've been there before and my boy is hard core, so maybe Ill have to put a time limit on it afterall:(

If you're at all interested in the email, you'll find it below:

Come Enjoy Us

By Jeanne Rohrs

The other night my boys and I were sitting down to dinner as my husband entered the room. My three-year-old looked up and said, “Daddy, come enjoy us!”

I love puns, but this one stood out to me because it revealed the heart of my child.

I often miss out on enjoying my children as I herd them from one errand to another. Most of the time I join them but don’t enjoy them. Why aren’t those words synonyms for me as a mom?

Maybe it’s because no matter what I get done, there’s always more to do; more that I think I should have done; more that I think I should be. And there’s guilt over all that I have yet to do. That’s how it happens – my kids become roadblocks.

But when I stop keeping-up-with-the-Joneses and trying to be like June Cleaver, and I really look at my kids, I see their desire for me to enjoy them – to delight in them. It’s then that I ask myself if my agenda is really that important, and if the floor is really too dirty.

Lord, you delight in your children. You quiet them with your love and rejoice over them with singing. Give me your perspective. Help me to enjoy the gift that my kids are.