Inbox Oldies

I think I'm nesting,...but I've been doing it for a month or so now. Just expecting this sweet baby girl to come early. She's a holdout. She seems to be just fine where she is. I, on the other hand, just can't wait and I'm not even sure why. As you can see from the previous post I am having a very hard time letting go and sharing Cole, perhaps sharing  myself with one more little being. I also know the lack of sleep that is in store for me. I actually remember the lack of sleep more than I remember nausea in both my pregnancies and the nausea was bad, as you can tell from this post.

So the point of all that was that I am on a cleaning/organizing trip these days. My house looks like crap-except for Ellie's room but my attic looks fabulous! (Ok, house not too bad but it has been constant work to keep up with the stuff I kept pulling down from the attic. )We had a huge garage sale and then donated boxes and boxes of stuff to Goodwill. What a relief! Well, my attic was clean so I decided to hit up and clean my email account. Apparaelty, I am an email hoearder. Check it out, still have over 3,000 emails to look over! Can you say overwhelming?!

But I am actually glad of it because I am coming across some emails that take me back to these moments in time, my thoughts of these moments in time and I just think they are so special. I have to be careful though because the last time I did the whole email cleaning out thing, this happened.

I didn't blog or document my pregnancy with Cole and then I came across an email I wrote about it and it gave me a glimpse of those days, how I looked and how I felt.

Date: 11/21/2006
Subject: Preggie Eggie Pics

"I promised many of ya'll pictures of me during my pregnancy so here goes. I took some tonight and realized they sure made me look big but I am hitting my 7th month on Friday and have actually only gained 10 lbs. so the camera adds 10 lbs.!!! I look so much like my sister as she went through her months. The sizes and shapes and bellies and everything has been exactly the same. It's crazy, except she got lucky and skipped the nausea. Anyhow, I am also sending a link where you can see the sono of Thomas Cole and his most recent pictures..

Hope you enjoy and we'll talk soon. Oh, BTW sis has dilated 2 centimeters as of last Wednesday but still hanging in there. It will probably happen as the turkeys are coming out of the oven!!!! I will keep you posted..."

First of all, no one calls me Preggie Eggie anymore :( AND I now think it is sooo silly that I would think people would care about my preggers pics enough for me to send them a whole email about it. Also, I referred to Cole as "Thomas Cole" because we weren't sure then what we would call him on a daily basis. "Cole" won out I guess.  

Every Little Ounce of You

I wrote this at 4 am one morning and there it sat, in my drafts. I wanted to read it and reread it to make sure there was nothing I would forget to say to my son who was an only child. Whose status as such would soon change. But I see that I will always have somthing more to say , something more to write to him. But I have a lifetime to do that.

Dear Cole,


We have been so wrapped up in life that even though I have been writing letters to you in my head for weeks, I haven't had the time to write them on paper for you. Which was something I have been wanting to document for you. The days when it was just us and you. And the days keep passing us by, life keeps passing us by and pretty soon, there will be two of you.


And so here I am, much later than I wanted to be here, telling you, telling the world through sobs and tears, just how very special you are. Just how much magic you alone have brought into our lives.

You are so excited right now awaiting on the arrival of your baby sister, Ellie. You kiss my belly. You ask me every chance you get, "What's Ellie saying?" I usually reply something along the lines of "She says she loves you", "she says she can't wait for you to hold her", "she says stop tickling her". And it's never enough. You want more. You are fascinated by her. Your reply is always "And what else?" So I indulge you, and I tell you more of what I think she might one day be saying. And you smile. You smile oh so big. Because you love this little girl so so much and you don't even know her yet. And it makes me feel so good about the little man you have become.

It doesn't bother you at all that I can't carry you, or rock you, or run after you. Because even before you could look at her and see her in all her cuteness, you loved her. You loved her when pieces of me had to be given to her. You loved her when I had to stay in bed because I was sick. You loved her as I lay in bed, too nauseous, and dizzy to make you breakfast. You loved her as you watched tv alone eating your cheesestick and apple sauce lunch just waiting to rush to my rescue as I ran to the bathroom. You loved her as you patted my back as I crouched over the toilet and said "You're ok Mommy. You're sick because Ellie is growing." You loved her as you handed me water and a wet towel to put on my forehead. You even loved her when I wouldn't let you lay in bed with me at night because I was nauseous and I said you talked too much which made me dizzier. You loved her without conditions. Without strings. Without even having really known her.

But this is you. My sweet little man. Our everything. Our reason for existing.

I am struggling here to capture these moments in time. These moment when it was just you and me and Daddy. These long days we spent getting to know one another. Uninterrupted, yet interrupted constantly by phone calls, and emails, and visits, and laughs, and joys, and sadness, and disciplines, and long car rides, and short car rides, and silent trips to school , and trips to school full of Christmas music or the La La La song (New Soul). You learned how to press the pause button on the DVR yesterday, and that is just what I would like to do. Pause time. So that I may never forget how magical our time together and alone has been.

I took the picture below of you on December 2, 2010. Amidst a chaos of activities. We were at the Houston Zoo with Uncle Mark.  You were having the time of your life. Uncle Mark was racing you around the zoo in the stroller. I was smiling in between ligament pains from a growing belly, trying hard to keep up with you. Stopping to rest every few steps and breathe through the pain. Daddy was here and there. Back and forth between you and me. And I asked you to pause so I can get a picture. And I ran to give Uncle Mark the camera. 

I love this picture already. That you let me take it. I will always look back upon it and say: That was the shirts I had to trick him into wearing. Those were the days he refused to wear anything but blue jeans. That was our last trip as a family of three. He was on his last last weeks of  being three. Daddy was not happy to be taking so many pictures but he was still smiling, and there I was, my tummy and my heart heavy, 31 weeks of new life snug inside me, trying – and failing – to stop time. 

I love you. Every blue jean strand of you. Every car of you. Every year of you. Every little ounce of you.

Thank you my precious boy. Thank you for letting me have you all to myself for four years. I'm ready to share you now with your sister. 

Love,
Mom

A New Year's Resolution

I have been plagued these last few days of all that I hoped this new year would bring. And I quickly felt defeated by my own hopes, and my own failures. Because what I had resolved to do just today, was overshadowed by a trip to Target to get Ellie-Bear a bookshelf for her room, lunch with Mimi and Bop, a visit from Nana as she helped prepare and sew a bed skirt for the nursery, and allergies that had me sneezing all morning until I finally took a Bendaryl which then had me sleeping off what was left of the day.

The email I had intended to send, the shipped orders I had intended to check on, the blog post I had hoped to jumpstart Chic Farm off with for 2011, the late thank you cards I had intended to write, and the new design I had hoped to work on didn't make the cut. And I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. And afraid of all the failure 365 days of lists would bring me.

But as I passed by Ellie's room, I caught a glimpse of my sweet boy in his baby sister's new twin bed, holding his green "Ellie"phant, lying right next to her crib. And all my fears subsided. He was happy as a clam, anticipating the arrival of his little sister. And I knew then, that the past year, that my whole life had been a complete and utter success. And that it had gone according to plan, and a to-do list had been accomplished and fully checked off,...it just wasn't the one I had written.

"Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss. Bury all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourselves, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward... [He] hold[s] the year in [His] Hands - in trust for you. But [He] shall guide you one day at a time. Leave the rest with [Him]. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead. And for each day [He] shall supply the wisdom and the strength."

 - God Calling by Two listeners

Houston Bound!

Lots has happened and I have neglected my blog. Wanted to spend some time to update this weekend but Mom, Sissy, and I decided at the last minute to head out to Houston for the Nutcracker Market! Too too excited! So maybe when we return on Monday I can blog. Maybe.

Picture from www.HoustonBallet.org

Where's my gum?

Cole: "Mom, I swallowed my gum"

Me: "You know you're not supposed to swallow your gum! Why did you swallow it?"

I turn around to find this....

Me: "Um, I'm pretty sure you didn't swallow it."

Cole: "I don't have it anymore."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's in your hair. and on the seat. and on your hands."

**sigh**

The Power of Prayer, Pure and Simple

I do not deny that I am the Queen of Indiscretion. There are no secrets when it comes to me. I bare all, even when I shouldn't. And there are times when I am remorseful to have shared some big challenges and failures of my own, but I do. And I fear I always will. But one thing I have learned is that sometimes through my humility, someone is helped. So, yesterday I bared my soul with you. With the world. To see, to scrutinize, to criticize, and hopefully, to inspire. That was the email I had emailed a very select group of individuals who have helped me through some very tough times. Some people who have brought me closer to God. Some people I knew would help me through this one as well. And after much deliberation, and having seen His hand in it all, I wanted to share it with you. To give you hope.

It has only been 2 days since I sent that email out. And if only you could see the beauty that I have seen in those 2 days, you would be amazed. Awed. Inspired. Just as I am. Just as my man is. I am ever so thankful for this blessing that is losing our only income. It sounds crazy. I know. It is. But my faith never wavered and somehow, through adversity I was able to be the rock that my husband needed me to be. I was able to be the Wife that I always dreamed to be. So I will continue to share some very intimate moments in our lives right now. Moments between a husband and a wife. Moments worth telling the world about.

My husband was devastated. One can only imagine the burden on his shoulders to be the sole breadwinner and to not be able to provide for your family. But all I could feel was calm. And the only fear I felt was not being able to emulate that serenity onto my husband. What if I wasn't able to provide the comfort and support he so desperately needed? So immediately, I prayed. And I cried. And then I sent an email out. It said this exactly.

I sat down and I listened. I stood still so the world could move me. And it did.

*Email from AG: "Have confidence that you are exactly what he needs and go with your heart, it will lead you where you need to go."

*Email from DG: "I'm very sorry that Will could be possibly losing his job, but at the same time I am very excited for what's in store for him!" - "Your prayers for Will will be crucial throughout this trying time also.  Your prayers for your husband are the most important than anyone else's prayers for him, even his own mother's.

*I looked on my desk at a prayer card I had sitting there for weeks and it read "Lord, give my husband patience to wait for Your perfect timing." -Stormie Omartian

*I sat to open a daily prayer book and the prayer for the day was "...So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31: 24

* At the end of the day my husband came home a new man, filled with words of encouragement from his friends and loved ones from the Lord. He was open to  meet with the husband of a dear friend of mine, one of my email recipients, TO. He is a minister for Cowboy Church. And I thought what a blessing it was to see my husband so hungry for His word. I had prayed about that.

*A friend of mine, KF came over to check some pants for Cole to see about patching them up and I was reminded about my prayer for my husband for the year. It was written a few months back. It had to do with his work. That God would show himself and lead us in the right direction. Should he stay or should he go. My prayer was being answered.

*Will gets a Facebook message from JE titled Old Friend. "Been a long time since our Sunday school days Willie. How are you. Hope things are fine."

*Cole pulls out the Bible and insist I read it to him. Will and I are talking. He starts to cry to read it to him. I open it up at random to read. Will and I continue to talk. He asks me what the ribbon in the book is for. I explain it is a bookmark. So I read it to him where the page is marked. It is Daniel 2:18 "Moreover, the thing which the king demands is difficult and there is no one else who could declare it to the king except gods, whose dwelling place is not with mortal flesh. Because of this the king became indignant and very furious and gave orders to destroy all the wise men of Babylon." -Will was given 30 days to perform a miracle in his job as a Lending Officer or be either fired or choose to resign.

*So very thankful of the spiritual awakening going on in my husband's life, I opened the daily prayer book at the end of the day yesterday and again, He spoke to me. He spoke to my husband. "I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." Job 42:6

This is just an inkling of what had transpired yesterday. There were calls about job opportunities, and a certain little toddler boy who just seemed to know his Daddy needed some extra special love and attention. But some things I just have to save for ourselves. To mull over and rejoice in;)

I don't know what His plan is for my family and the waters seem treacherous right now. But boy am I excited for our future!!!!

The Power of a Praying Wife

We got word this weekend that my husband may not have a job next month. I am not a worrier about important things like this. I worry about meaningless things like if my email was received and if the package will arrive via UPS as scheduled. Those are the things that give me anxiety. Maybe that's my fight or flight instinct. I had a gut instinct for a while now and have wanted him to leave his job at BBVA/Compass. I have not been pleased with them at all. I truly had a light bulb moment when he told me the news. I saw it as a blessing. He had refused to leave for years. He's so loyal, my precious man.

Even so, as I write this my hands shake and my heart breaks in between sobs because I do desperately need prayer. Prayer that I can be the wife that my husband needs me to be because he is worried. And his sense of self is being challenged. Because this blessing is disguised as failure on his part. And that thought just kills me. That is when I want to lose it. The thought of my man thinking he is anything less shakes me to my core. But my challenge is knowing what to say, or what to do. I find myself paralyzed. I am so afraid to accidentally validate or not validate what he is going through. What he is feeling. He's actually opening up to me about work and I don't want him to close up. He's worried to talk to me considering "my condition". (I'm just pregnant but somehow it has elevated to a condition these last few days. Silly but I dare not say so! It may also be he fears I will slip into a depression-an old family friend.)

I just want to assure you that we will be fine. I have a plan for us but instinct (or heart) tells me I won't be needing it because His is better. We are blessed in that we have a family that is willing and able to provide the emotional and financial support we  need if things go south but we hope we are able to stand on our own two feet. Well, we'd like that at least.

So I am asking for prayer for myself to be able to be the comfort and support he needs right now. And a prayer for my husband to be filled with the same peace about this that I am filled with. Or that he finds another job. Or that I find a job:,(

I'd also like to ask for your discretion in this. That it be between just us. I don't want my husband to know that I am reaching out on his behalf because I don't think that will help him in any way get though this easier.