The Big Reveal - Our Holiday Card

So I am pretty sure that all of our friends and family have received their Christmas cards from us so I can now share it with the world:

It is a folded 5x5 (square) card....

The Front:

The Inside:

The Back:

Next Year

Isn't it the funniest thing how we hype up this miraculous holiday and then when the time finally comes for the whole production to come together, we're so tuckered out we're like, ... "totally next year".

Oh the hope we carry into the New Year.

Case in point:

Last year, after many many years of wishing and wanting lights outside, we finally plunged down mucho dinero to buy those outdoor lights and the clips. We were all so eager to get them up. Light them. And....well, I'm not sure what we expected to happen after that. It may have actually happened had we finished the job. But seriously, who knew the peaks of our roof were that steep? Who knew???? Had we known we may have not have attempted to get up there and try to hang them. So we smarted up. We decided to leave the peaks for last. Then guess what happened, we were tuckered out about trying to figure out how to survive the peaks we decided to put it off for tomorrow. But tomorrow became next week and then next week somehow became next Christmas. But we all know hat happened to the lights right? Well, they came down in June after never have been lit because we found the amusement of our friends was not at all amusing to us. So they went down. Maybe next Christmas. Because life will get easier. Or we'll be rich that we can hire someone to do our dirty work. Then afford to pay them off after they sue us because they fell off our roof.

Well, this year, I found this little book called What God Wants for Christmas.

It is an interactive book that is a word for word narration of the story of the birth of Christ by the angel David. You read the story and as you read you unwrap 7 tiny gifts. It is a hands on way for children to learn about Christams. The resaon for the season, if you will.

Well, things were crazy with the white elephant and family that the wrapped book couldn't be found until the very end, and by that point, Cole was all like, "open my car!"

"OPEN MY CARS!"

So I obliged my little man because his joy was just so beautiful. So pure.

 

That I decided that maybe next Christmas would be a better time to introduce the book to him. Besides, Christmas has passed right? I realize what a lame excuse that is. But it is my excuse, and I am comfortable with that. But why in the world did I ever think he would want to sit and open this book after having tasted that sweet metal Hot Wheels scent? What was I thinking? I was setting myself up for disaster. Anyway, I am sitting here, looking at that book, and kinda sad about that. Because in my quest to be closer to Him I'm kinda feeling like I am pushing Him away. So maybe tomorrow, I'll open it up, even if it is late, and read him the book. Let him unwrap those tiny little presents because I just think that a year is waaay too long to have to wait to hear such a beautiful story. So that's tomorrow's plan. Besides, next year is only like 2 days away. I'd probably better get a head start on that. Which reminds me, I also have to make White Trash/Puppy Chow that also got lost in all the Christmas cheer;)

"What about my bithday?"

Cole's social calendar has been in undated with birthday parties. So with those parties come birthdays. And gifts. So I was relieved by the slow down in parties in recent weeks. And then Christmas happened. And Christmas parties. So when I tried to explain to Cole that those parties were a celebration of Jesus I thought it would be easier to just say it was Jesus' birthday. Because it is. That is what we should really be celebrating after all.

His cousin came over Monday afternoon to play. They started talkng about birthday. They each thought it should be their birthday. So then they started arguing over whose birthday it was. Kani had a birthday in November. Cole's isn't until February. So I reminded them that it was neither of their birthdays, it was Jesus' birthday.

Cole came up to me with the saddest look on his face, and tears started to fill his eyes.

"Mommy, what about my birthday?"

And my heart broke. It just shattered to a million pieces because in his little world, he had felt forgotten. And I knew that feeling all too well. And there was nothing I could do. Because to throw him a party so that his heart would not hurt, and so that my heart would not hurt, would not teach him anything.

Oh, the irony of it all.

Multiple Blessings

Who would have know how much my life would have changed in the last year. I thought that surely this new year had new babies in store for me. He had other plans. Plans of which I am so very grateful for. Plans that have brought about unexpected blessings. Welcome blessings. Oh so very welcome blessings!

I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) just after leaving my job. I was hesitant at first. To meet new people. To put myself out there. As I was forging new friendships, I was mourning old ones. I was losing faith. In people. In myself. In God. But I was seeking Him. I was desperately seeking Him. A lifeline. A raft. A signal. A church.

And through this organization, I found some amazing women. Truly amazing women that follow my blog. That follow my heart.

I was conflicted early in the year. A lost soul, you could say. I was very very surprised to have received not one, but over 4 calls when I had missed a few meetings. Because let me tell you that in all my years of friendships, it has been very rare that one friend would call and ask after me after any change in my behavior. So you can imagine my surprise when it was four. Four?! My heart was touched. By humanity. By sisterhood. By friendship. By motherhood.

These are the women I write about when I say they know my burdens. They never get tired of hearing about them. Of hearing me complain. Or cry. Or whine. Or question. They listen. And they pray.

They pray. 

And I know they do. Because I have witnessed some pretty amazing things in me through their prayer. But they're not just my blessing. They are my son's blessing. And my husband's blessing. Because they have seen a change in me. And I have seen a change in them.

Now it's not that they are any different. They are the same beautiful creatures they have always been. But I am seeing them through new eyes. They are the eyes of faith. I am seeing that all things are just as they should be.

But still, there are days when I fall off the proverbial wagon. And on those days, I have many many hands that are willing and able to walk me through the grit and the grime. {But to really walk me through. Not just say they'll walk me through. They are women of action. They call, they take me out, they visit, they write, and they read me. They read me in oh so many ways.} To bring me back to Him. To my family. To the moment. To the chaotic bliss that is my life. Because that's what it is. It's pure bliss.

I replay words from these ladies in my head over and over again:

"while the reasons may be different, the heartache is the same" -Angela

"God does not punish" -Tracy

"it's not about being forgiven, it's about forgiving yourself" -Aunt Sandra

"He places this in your heart for a reason" -Dawn

It's like when your child chases a ball into the street. He has his eye on the ball. You however, see the danger lurking. You see the bigger picture. So you pull him back to protect him. -Mama Becky talking about His plan for me

So I was blessed with that girl I always wanted. It just wasn't in the package I had envisioned it. And it was a multiple blessing. Too many girls to count. Because who has the time now when there are spouses to love on? Children to watch sleep. Girlfriends to lean on. Serious thank you letters to write. And one particular thank you prayer to make....

Santa Pictures

Cole had Santa pictures at school last week. Or maybe it was 2 weeks ago. Oh, yes, it was 2 weeks ago. I had the pleasure of helping his school with the pictures. Which meant that this clingy mom could stick around and make sure her sweet baby boy got some good pictures with Santa. In theory, at least. It probably would have been beneficial to have gotten to sleep before 3 am so that I can wake up on time therefore show up on time. But really? That just  makes too much sense to actually do. So we were running late. Not just one day, but both days. Which meant that Cole didn't get his good clothes washed, which meant that his ok clothes had not been ironed, and that his hair would not get combed. I think, though I am not quite positive, that I may have remembered to brush his teeth. Or I may have not remembered. Again, I was tired. Running on little sleep, and I may or may not have remembered to brush my own hair. {I did brush my teeth though, not to worry.}

So on Day 1 I didn't even try because I am a procrastinator and I thrive off of knowing that there will be another chance:

Now, by the looks of it, Santa is not very happy. Perhaps I didn't brush his teeth. He does look a little standoff-ish. Also, Cole never did smile. Now, his clothes came out better in the picture than I remembered. So kuddos to me.










On Day 2, we did much better. But that was a total fluke. He spent the night at Nana's and this was how she returned him to me. In better condition than she had received him. So kuddos to her. And many thanks to Kandi, Cole's cousin, whose jeans he is wearing. I loved them so much I went out and got a pair at JCPenney, you know the place. The one where our car was stolen, but not really....

And then, I was so excited that he was actually engaging Santa in conversation, telling him what he wanted for Christmas and this beautiful moment was ruined enhanced by I'm not sure, maybe small metal cars snuck into his Pee Pee Pocket (if you got the family Christmas card, it would make sense.)

Sneak Peak at The Eggleston Family Christmas Card 2009

Cutest thing ever! Yesterday, my mom (aka Nana) was rocking Cole for a nap. He was kinda in and out and Nana asks him what he wants for Christmas. His usual reply is tanker truck, Transformers, or lots of cars, as in not some, or a little, he is very clear that it's lots. She was surprised when he said he wanted a little sister. {tear} So she asked him what he wanted to name her. His reply: "Allison". For those of you that are not aware, Allison his his school crush. So I am guessing he's not really wanting a little sister for the sake of wanting a baby or a sister, I think he wants to bring Allison home.

Anyway, I thought that was nice to share. But, I've been dying to show you my Christmas card. They have yet to arrive. But I did finally have a chance to finish it up. This is the back, just a sneal peak as many of you will be getting it in the mail and I would hate to ruin it:

I really need to work on posting the pictures of the "photo shoot". Let's just say it involved a lot of candy and ice pops. Some threats too for "a talk". We got some good ones.

I'd take Half-Drunk Right About Now

I am supposed to be asleep. I am stinking tired. These last 2 weeks of not going to bed until well past 2 am have caught up with me. But still, I can't sleep. Which brings me to thinking what a light weight I am and how a half a beer will knock me right out. But I am full from the crap I have been munching on ALL day. Maybe I could just throw up?

I think I was ok until I started thinking about a friend I ran into this weekend. And the heartache this has caused me. Like pierce my heart with a dull rusty knife. Just there, festering. Then I started tossing and turning, thinking of how daring it would be to put it out there. Out there for all the world to see. For everyone to know how to get to my heart. How to hurt me. Where I'm vulnerable. And how ironically, the thought of getting it out there is cathartic.

We all know of our struggles to get pregnant. I certainly talk about it a lot. Too much. I hate to talk about it. I know, it's like blah blah, blah. But I do, because it's where I am in my life right now. It consumes me. Sometimes more than the blessing I already have. And it shouldn't. But it does. But there are a few things that get me through these moments. 1.) Hubby and his unwavering support and faith. 2.) Friends who hear me, who acknowledge the hurt and who don't tire of the blah blah blah. 3.) talking/blogging about it and 4.) knowing that other people I know are struggling too. Which brings me to my point.

I don't deny that I am miserable about this. And it is so true, in my case, that misery loves company. It was comforting knowing that I had friends that are going through this with me. I feel not so forgotten. If that makes any sense. Well, this friend I ran into, we were fellow fertility strugglers with our first child. So I was comforted in the fact when we started trying again at the same time that I would have someone to turn to. Someone to share my pain with. We don't speak often, as life kinda gets in the way. Well, a few months back, I ran into a mutual friend and she commented how exciting it was that Friend was pregnant, 7 months along, with a girl! I think I cried for days. That day in fact, I wrote this post. My infertile friends were being picked off one by one, and I was the only one left. He had forgotten me. And I was hurt that I had spoken to her recently, and we had attended some of the same birthday parties, and I didn't' know. It dawned on me for the first time, how scared other people were to share their joy. And that angered me even more. And hurt me too. I felt alien. I could feel the stares from people as pregnancies were announced, baby showers were had, everyone on their toes. They don't know what to say. They can't look at me in the face, not when gifts are being opened, not when names are being announced, not when games are being played. At least, in my mind, this is what happens. People are probably oblivious, as the world does not revolve around me. Well, not their world at least. But in my world, and in my head, that is how it all goes down.

So I ran into said Friend, who has since had her baby girl, and I froze. I had not expected for my heart to drop like a ton of bricks. To see how fantastic she looked, wearing New Mommy Fabulous. So I fidgeted for my voice, for my sight, for my heart. To pull it all together. To put on a happy face, oh that stupid Happy Face - I am so sick and tired of it. To be happy and ask about her blessings. Because I don't want to have to watch her struggle telling me something she doesn't know how to share with me. And I don't want to struggle with having to listen to something I don't know that I can handle. Isn't this terrible? Who wouldn't be afraid to share their news with me? I certainly would. But I live with this stigma I have created for myself. All in my head where I usually like things. Because everything is always so pretty in there. And it always goes my way. But this heart of mine, there's no reasoning with the damn thing! It takes over my pretty little head and then things get hairy. They all become so real. And I become so vulnerable.

So infertility sucks, anyone wanna join this club too? I'd love company!

Ok.

Well.

Think about it.

And though I am taking part in the Half Drunk challenge (see button on the right), I'm not drunk. But that's starting to sound like a fantastic idea. Because maybe I'll get kinky, have sex and get pregnant. And if all else fails, I can drown my sorrows. So yay! I guess.

Christmas Mailing List Made Easy

Since I have received quite a few questions about my mailing list form I just sent out, I will share how I did it.

Now, I have found one the best and easiest ways to create your Christmas Mailing List. To be quite honest, it creates itself. I didn't figure this out myself, I actually found it on Scrapless Press' blog.

It is quite embarrassing every year I send out a mass email asking for people's mailing addresses. I create a spreadsheet and spend countless hours imputing information only to have lost it and have to repeat the process again the next year.

So when I stumbled upon this new idea, I was stoked and decided to try it out with just a few select friends. And I saw my list creating itself. Super cool! It is done through Google Docs. In order to do this you have to have a GMail account. If you have read about other posts you know that I love Google. I use it for everything. I wrote about Google Reader and how it rocks in one post, I have Google on my cell phone which syncs to my Google Calendar, Google contacts, and email accounts. Google also receives all of my emails (for Chic Farm and The Eggleston Family) and I can even send email from my business email right through Google. So I love Google.

What you do is sign into your Google account. If you don't have one, you can get one here. It's free. On the top left of the screen in your Gmail, you will click on Documents. Once you are in the Documents interface, click on Create New and then scroll down to Spreadsheet.Give your spreadsheet a name, and then click Save. I named mine Eggleston Family Christmas List 2009.

You will notice that the top row is already reserved for your headers. For my mailing list, I used A-I for:
A: GOOGLE RESERVES THIS FOR A TIME STAMP
B:Name
C: Address 1
D: Address 2
E: City
F: State
G: Zip
H: Cell Phone
I: Home Phone

There are also themes available or you can leave it Plain. My yahoo account didn't open the pretty image anyway:(
You don't need to add the phone numbers if you don't want to, but I thought I might as well. Your basic layout is done, now you need to go to the top menu and click on Form and scroll down to Create a form. You will now see a pop up window showing you the form fields you will use to create the spreadsheet/mailing list. You can even get fancy and change the name of each field for the form, like, "Who should I address this to?" Instead of simply just "Name". I didn't do that but you can if you'd like. Then in the form you've created there will be a button on the top that reads Email This Form. Click on this and a pop up box will appear to insert your email addresses for those you want to send it out to.

Now let's say you sent it to most of the people on your email list and remember that you forgot to send the form to someone. You go into the spreadsheet and back to Form, scroll down to Send and then follow the prompts.

And there you have it. It is that easy. Now, you can check it periodically to see who has filled the form in and start slowly addressing those envelopes! Sorry I wasn't able to even copy the pages from the Scrapless Press. Little Man put too much toilet paper in the toilet and somehow has managed to overflow the bathroom. WTH? Ooooh, I'm a lucky girl!

How showing concern can bite you in the bum....

So I was blog-hopping this fine evening and I stumbled upon Gretchen Rubin's blog, The Happiness Project where she was discussing Eight Tips to Know if You're Being Boring. Being the narcissistic gal that I am, I was studying her every word, imagining my conversations, and people's reactions. Then my mind kinda started wandering, as any self diagnosed ADD sufferer's mind usually does, to how I react. Because after all, it is all about me.

Then I got to #4, Request for Clarification. So the logic is that if you are really interested you ask them to elaborate or explain. And I was all excited that perhaps I had fooled people. Namely, Hubby. Because I do that when I haven't been paying attention to what he's been saying. Kinda like a backtrack, like clues into what was said. So I have a smart reply. Or I'll settle for any reply. Because there's nothing worse than the 'deer in the headlights' look when you're asked a question relating to the boring topic.

It usually goes a little something like this:

Husband: "Babydoll (cuz he calls me that and it freakin' gives me butterflies), did the sprinkler guy come out today (because our fabulously huge, strong, expensive, beautiful, kind dog has eaten through it again, and the AC wires, and the picnic table, and the hoses, and the thingy that holds the hoses on the cement walls, and the telephone wires, and and and....)?

Me: "Yes, I called. He came out. Fixed it. Go take a look."

Husband goes outside, I unpase movie, he pets Bad Dog, checks wire thingys, comes back in....

Husband: "It looks good. The wires blah blah blah {insert more boring man stuff here} blah blah blah"

Me: {Lifetime Movie totally paused to show concern} "So, the wires go to what and they make the sprinklers do what?

Husband: "Blah, blah, blah...."

Me: "Oh really?"

Husband: "Blah, blah, blah,... Christmas shopping at Kohl's"

and then I'm all like crap! What did I miss? Did I go shopping. Can I go shopping. For me? For Cole? For a gift? So I listen now, intently. I hang on every word he says to try to get clarification. Because if I asked anything about it he would catch on. Catch on that I wasn't listening the first time, I was just waiting to unpause Lifetime.

Husband: "So I was thinking about the budget,..."

and just like that, he's lost me again. Budgets are never fun to talk about. And now I suspect that since the budget came up in the same conversation as shopping, it's probably because I already did go shopping at Kohl's. And I'm probably in trouble.

Cathed by Mimi, thankfully!

WARNING: Viewer discretion is advised. I am taking part in Momalom's Half Drunk Challenge (see button to the right). So I have to be daring, as if drunk. It's a crazy story. A long one. And there is one questionable photo-you know, just for proof that it happened. You have been fore-warned! Oh, and sadly, I am not drunk. Just still stupid.

 I've probably never mentioned that my mother in law Becky, aka Mimi, and I are very close. And when I say close I mean close. Besides the fact that I truly believe Mimi has a smile glued to her face, she has one glued to her heart too. She is crazy happy. Seriously. I have never seen her mad and she has had ample opportunity considering I have been glued to her son for 13 years. Also, she could have gotten mad when Will and I moved back from San Antonio and we lived with her. For 2 years. And all of a sudden, her empty nest, spotless clean home became home to 2 recent college grads, 2 yappy little chihuahuas, and a 3 bedroom house full of our crap.

Mimi is a nurse. A fantastic one at that. So when things get kinda hairy, and we don't know what to do, we call her. So naturally, when I was in labor, I invited her into the delivery room for the birth of her first grandchild. I know what you're thinking, that's weird. Most people are very private, and discreet. But you should know better than that. I am not. Not private. Not discreet. Nope. Not me.

Childbirth was a snap. An absolute breeze. I loved my epidural. But after Cole made his entry into the world. I felt some pain. An indescribable plain. Almost not really a pain, but a discomfort. I knew something was wrong. When I finally got up to pee, I passed out on my decent onto the potty, and somehow managed to pee and vomit at the same time. Bless Mimi's heart, she was there through it all. The nurses were all frantic. I could hear them and I could hear scurrying, and one nurse yelling for the Charge Nurse. And all I could think was that I was going to die. I wanted to ask them to just carry me to the bed but I couldn't. My energy, my voice had fled me. Finally, they got to the bed and the blood rushed back to my head. Slowly,  I came to. This, as it turns out, happens. A LOT. And they had warned me before I got up to go potty but I insisted I was fine. Guess not so much.

So, a few hours passed and I had trouble urinating. I cried to pee and only droplets would come out when I would go. So finally, my mother in law checked my bladder. She commented on how distended I was. She also mentioned that I looked pregnant. Um, hello? Just had a baby not 12 hours ago? But I knew deep down she was right. I couldn't pinpoint the discomfort and I just attributed it to delivery.

But still every time I peed it hurt. And nothing came. And then they pushed on my tummy and that hurt to. I had the urge to pee. But still. Nothing. So they finally brought in an ultrasound for my bladder. It read and the numbers went up and then it started flashing red 999. They all looked baffled. They weren't sure if the machine had broke or if it had topped out. By this time I had realized that the discomfort was pee. Like when you're on a road trip and have to pee but here's no where to go. So you hold it. Till you think you can't anymore. And you're just like, pull over, I'll go on the highway. Ok, like that. Times 10. I had to pee soooo bad!

So they cathed me. And out it came. And out. And out. They pulled out a second pee bag. And out it came some more. Over 2 liters! Everyone was amazed that it was a few times what a normal bladder could hold. Another talent I could add to my freakish resume. Yay for me!

But I was fine now. I wanted to go home with my new baby boy. To start our lives together. To welcome friends and family. To dress him in all his new onesies. To hold him, and rock him, and nurse him in his new room. In his new glider. But they wanted me to pee first. So I went. Pee dripped out. We were making progress. I could feel it. The nurses worried that it wasn't enough. But I assured them I was a little pee-er. I peed very little, but I peed often. Really. I get up like 2-3 times a night to pee. Always have. I suspect I always will. Finally, they caved. They let me go home.

As we were piling our new bundle of joy into the car, having signed all the release papers, I felt regret. Regret that I had rushed my recovery. Instantly, the urge to pee came back and I knew I wouldn't be able to. But I got in the car and I didn't look back.

You see, I was a new mom. A very nervous mom who had heard about breastfeeding. Who had read about nipple confusion. Who was susceptible to postpartum depression. Susceptible to any kind of depression. And the thought of leaving my new baby to have to go back into the hospital would have killed me. And since we had already been released, I knew I could be readmitted. But he could not. So I went home. In pain. In remorse.

Mimi came over that night. I told her about the pain. I told her about my fears. So we called my OBGYN. He advised us to call him in the morning to check in or go back to the hospital if things got worse.

Morning came. Finally. After counting sheep. And toes. And fingers. And staring all night at this little miracle that we had prayed for for so long. And I was afraid. And in pain. And in love. Mimi checked my tummy. Distended again. I begged her to talk to my Docotr. To please ask him if she could cath me so that I wouldn't have to leave my baby. I cried as she called. I feared what his answer might be. But he ok'd it.

So Mimi went to the pharmacy to buy the supplies. She came back. We went into the guest bedroom and she cathed me. Another 2 liters. So all weekend I was cathed. But I felt good. And I was able to care for my baby. I had to go all weekend with that cath. Training my bladder to pee again on it's own. We found out Monday all this trouble and pain was attributed to a Urinary Tract Infection. Which is common after labor.

But I guess you could say that this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with Mimi. Not sure if it was the cath, or if grand-babies just have a way of bringing people closer. Whatever it was, I am thankful. And I'd do it all over again.

Ready! Set! Go Shop!

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Source: one of those circulating forwarded emails.

There is free stuff to be had this holiday season.

It has been raining free stuff for a week or so now. A few weeks back we were elated to find, in the mail, a coupon for $10 off any $20 purchase at Office Max. I desperately needed a wireless mouse and keyboard. (Obviously not desperately enough because the coupon sat and when I decided to redeem it, it was 6:50 on a Saturday and the store closes at 7:00-so we missed the free money! Boo-Hoo and shame on us!)

Then, a day or so later, we received a coupon from Kohl's and JC Penney. I never open them up because I just don't usually think to go to these stores for our clothing needs. Target, Old Navy, Banana Republic, or Ann Taylor Loft will usually suffice. But Will opened them up. And they were both offering us a $10 coupon off anything in the store for $10 or more. Um,...yeah, I'll stop in there. So we went to Kohl's first, and we bought Cole a pair of jeans for $2.20! Then the cashier said we could keep the coupon. So we got our bag and bolted outta there before she changed her mind. How exciting! More free stuff!

Saturday evening we hit JC Penney to redeem that coupon. We walked out with a pair of Levis jeans for $4.46. But we were feeling all greedy and decided to head out to Kohl's for the second round of free money. Will walked in and was able to use the coupon again! Another pair of jeans for $2.20!

We got home and we were reeling about how awesome coupons are when we opened our mailbox, guess what we saw?

A $10 coupon off of any $20 purchase at Office max AND a $5 coupon for BEALLS off of $5. Can you believe our luck? So make sure you open those coupons because there are some great finds right now. And I do desperately need that wireless mouse and keyboard so this time I am hitting Office Max early.

And in case you are thinking that they are sending coupons to get us to spend more, you are correct! But we didn't. Because I had Hubby around, I was focused. We only walked out with what we needed.

Your welcome in our club!

Last night we went to JC Penney. It's the newest one here by our house. It was so nice in there-all decked out for the holidays. Christmas music filled the well lit air. Luckily, I had Hubbs because that sound and the ambiance is intoxicating. Intoxicating enough for me to pull out my cash and start shoppin' it up. Well, we found some pants for Cole, some Levis, for $4.46. We walked out of the store and we walked to our car. And walked. And walked some more. Until finally we realized that our car was not there. So we walked some more and instead of looking for our car, we looked for clues. Like glass. We found none. Will called the police.

I walked around some more, just in case we missed it. Then I kinda started to get teary eyed. I was getting sad, thinking this simply cannot be! I just had my car broken into 3 weeks ago and Will had a blow out 2 months ago and a nail in the new truck's tire 2 days ago (which was in the side wall which meant he needed a new tire!-ugh). Seriously, this was the last thing we needed.

But then, my mind started working and visions of Yukons danced in my head. And some more tears squeezed past my eyes. They were happy tears. Then, I thought about the worth of my car and the cost of a Yukon,...yeah,..that's not gonna happen. So I teared up again. I walked to the entrance of the store, and was asking some poeple standing there if they had seen anything. The security guard pulled up and I told him I think our car was stolen. Then I corrected myself, I know our car was stolen.

"Which entrance did you come in from?"

Um, what do you mean which entrance? I look around and I am sure, no, positive, this is the entrance we came in from. Look, double glass doors, Sephora, 411, Sephora written perfectly centered on top. I looked to the right of the store and saw the plaque, ESTABLISHED IN 1902. Yup, pretty sure this is the entrance we walked in to. Look there's the restaurant we talked about as we drove in. I looked inside and then all of a sudden, it doesn't look so familiar. And then I'm confused. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Nothing makes sense anymore. But I was so sure.

So the guard offers to take us to the other entrance. As we pile into the cart, he comments, "you are the 4th people today that this has happened to". {Oh good, that makes us feel better.} Except that by now, I'm kinda hoping the car was stolen because this is all slightly embarrassing. He drives us around the corner, yes, like 100 yards, and then we see it. There it is, in all it's dusty glory. Our car.

Seriously? Has this ever happened to anyone? Are we getting old and forgetful? Or old and careless? I am not finding it at all comforting that 4 other people had that happen to them that day, because people tend to be, well,... stupid. Because there were clues. Like the fact that when we took the time to pay at that exit we noticed it was not the place we came in from!

So, without even knowing it, or intending it, we have joined the stupid club. You are all welcome-because misery loves company!

Whacky Barometers

Every parent knows their barometer of "crazy child" is whack when it comes to their own. I hardly ever think my child is well-behaved. I mentioned that this week would be a hectic one because I had something going on every night and Will was going to have to step in all week, every night. So on Monday I decided that it was a rather casual meeting that I would take him so that Will could stay home and just relax. So I did and the whole time I was there I could swear that Cole was kinda being annoying.

Now, because my barometer I know is waaay off when it comes to my child -you know because I love him so much but he also drives me nuts so much-that I don't react very consistently. Sometimes I play "cool" mom and I let everything just slip off my shoulders. I pretend I have it under control, that all is as it should be. Like Cole throwing tantrums in the shopping carts, remember that? I just walk around like "Do you all hear anything, I don't hear anything" all the while I am pushing around a screaming kicking toddler. I just play it cool.

Then there are those times that I am all feisty and scolding for every little thing. Basically, uptight. I'll see Cole start trying to strike up a conversation with one of the girls at the meeting and I pull him aside and ask him if we "need to go outside and have a talk" kinda uptight. Just for talking. But the thing is that Cole's 2, and he really just couldn't care less, and he just can't help his sweet little heart to not talk to someone. But I forget and I'm all like "don't bother the girls".

So I find myself always confused, never knowing where to draw the line. When to be relaxed, when to be strict, when to be uptight. Because you see, I am not a true judge of my child's behavior. But I know that I am being judged for how I react (or don't react) to it.

This whole mommy gig is hard! 

Christmas Magic

Don't forget about Black Friday!

Just wanted to let you know that I am planning a huge, and I mean HUGE Black Friday sale. Best of all, it will be online so you don't even need to get out of your jammies. Or, you can shop while you're waiting in line all night at the stores. Yay! Either way you win.

But I am pooped, and though I should work on getting my designs on my site, I need to get some rest because I have a shower to co-host tomorrow, the corm maize, client design she needs ASAP (among others), a wedding, and somewhere in there I have to love on my precious little man and big man. Who by the way are sound alseep, all snug as a bug. If I jumped into bed with them would that count as pecious time? What if I held them close?

Sure would but I'm greedy and that's just not enough of them! Good night. I have some quality snug as a bug time to catch.

But I'll see you on Black Friday right? At my site. For the sale. Remember???

Criminally Advanced!?

It's been a few months now that every time I get close to ovulation time in my cycle I am exhausted. Like exhausted like I can't keep my eyes open but my body feels good. Weirdest thing. Maybe I am just now noticing. But right now, I should be in bed but I felt guilty about having neglected my blog for so long. So much has happened and I am such a flake I know I won't remember if I don't blog when it happens.

I had been missing church for a few weeks straight that when we finally went back I dreaded having to convince Cole to go. He's not crazy about being left in the u=nursery. But we went and he didn't fight me. I told him he could take a truck into church. That seemed to please him. When we walked in to the nursery, he saw a pile of fire trucks and police cards and others trucks he handed me his and gave me a kiss. Just like that. It was that easy. After church I went back for him and he didn't want to leave! He's been asking all week now if we can go back to church. I had been praying about Cole not having a negative association with church and I was quite pleased to see my prayers had been answered.

Cole is also liking school. Wanting to go and not wanting to leave. It is so comforting knowing that the decision to go and stay at school is his now.

And he's learning so much. I was trying to show off to my mom who has decided to return to school to be an interpreter that I can sign my alphabet. I signed facing Cole but he wasn't impressed. He looks at me when I finished (turns out I only remembered to F) and then he picks up his hand and shows me one finger. "One" he yells. Um hum, got it, bragging isn't ever fun.

He's also learning to be sneaky. He is not allowed to take cars into school. Last week he asked me for shorts that had pockets. He was very specific. I think I was in a hurry and he didn't end up with pockets but he then insisted on carrying his lunch box in the car. Fine. When we got to his classroom, I reached in to take his snack out and I found 3 cards in there!

It still hadn't dawned on me the following day when he asked me for pocket shorts. I dressed him in shorts with pockets and that time he tried to sneak in cars in his pockets!

Then, just when I thought I had problems, when I picked him up this afternoon, he tried to leave the class with some other student's cars in his pockets. 3 of them! It was a total fluke that I found them. He even told the teacher they were his, in front of me!

So it's been frustrating. A small problem to have considering all that has transpired these last few weeks but I don't have a clue how to discipline or teach him about stealing and lying and being sneaky. Is this normal or my child a little criminally advanced for his age?

Thank You Thank You Thank You

As you all know, last week was a rough one for me and my family. It finished off great with Halloween and things have just been moving right along that I never had the chance to update my blog. So I left it all sad for a week.

Throughout the week though, I had received such an outpouring of support from old friends and new friends alike. I can't even begin to tell you what my heart is saying. Through this all, I should be thanking Him for my family, my health, and for my new friends. I wanted to blog about Halloween and post pictures but after a message from Susan, I thought it more fitting to thank my readers for reading my blog and all the encouragement they have provided me.

Thank you for all the email hugs you sent my way. They warmed my heart. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!

I received the most beautiful emails and I want you all to know that I open them and read them almost daily. Even the shortest email from a stranger that only read HUGS in the subject line brought a tear to my eyes. {Ok, lots of them}

I open them and I think "someone hears me. Someone hears my cry" and that calms me. If they can hear me, and show me the love they show without even knowing me,...

most certainly so can He.

If there is anyone that reads this and is struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or the loss of a child, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake was recommended to me by a friend of mine. I have yet to pick it up but I am looking forward to it.

Save a Horse...

Yesterday's post was emotional, for me at least. I'm sorry. I'm doing better today in that I am just not so angry. But still a little emotional.

I decided to keep Cole home today because I need him close by, even if it's just as a tiny little annoying reminder of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be. We'll see how that goes as the day progresses....


But I'm fighting today. Fighting the tears and the pain, and the toddler who is crawling all over me as I type this post. But I'm just glad to be feeling his warmth, his joy.


I am also convinced that the peace I felt after being robbed has fled. And that's why I am feeling so emotional. So vulnerable.


Maybe sex would make me feel better. Like spontaneous sex. Weird. What is that? Spur of the moment sex. I can hardly remember it. Maybe that's what I'll surprise Hubs with tonight. Wait, me thinking about it, is that like scheduling it? Or should we save our energy for a few days from now, when we'll need it, because it's on the schedule.

-------

Ah,... who cares! I'm gonna shave and put my spurs on tonight!!!!!

Today I'm Screwed

Usually, this time of the month harbors hope for me. A new cycle and a new opportunity. But I'm exhausted. Exhausted of praying and hoping and crying and thinking and believing this is the month. I am just sick and tired of it.

I'm just tapped out. I am mad. and resentful. and I am losing faith. Because I hurt so much over this. And it baffles me that I still feel so alone. I haven't felt his presence in this. I know that I have wonderful friends on here that will talk me through this, once again. I hate it that they are burdened with this. I hate that this is all I think about. All I talk about. I hate being defined by this. But I do. and I am.

But tomorrow I'll pep up. I'll be better. Because I am fickle I guess. and I can't stay mad, even though I want to because I hurt so much. But that too requires energy, and have I mentioned that I'm pretty tapped out?

Then, in a few days, we'll force ourselves to have sex daily, or every other day at least. Because it must be done. Not because we love each other, which we do, but because it's just that time of the month. You know, the optimum time. And that's pressure, and pressure isn't ever any fun. Oh no, that kind of sex is a luxury-reserved for those who can get pregnant easily or quickly, or those who use condoms. So there isn't anymore of that spontaneity, that passion, because it's on the schedule-Aunt Flo's schedule-and there just isn't anything sexy about her. And that makes me mad too. And sad. Because the days for sex have to be reserved, because, you see, I'm all tapped out, even for that.  

So the cycle begins again. The ups and downs and in betweens. But today, I feel lost. And angry. And ashamed. And afraid. And hopeless. And desperate. And I think I just might need a hug. But I like my space. So I guess I'm screwed. -No pun intended.

Just another Manic Monday

Seriously crazy manic day today. Not even being sarcastic. And still, in the midst of it all, I feel peace. Weird. Where do I begin.

Cole slept in until past 9. I was elated because I slept in too. Yay for me! I dropped him off at school and then hit Wal Mart to buy some goodies for Halloween treat bags for Cole's school party Friday. Went home, returned some emails and worked on a project that was needing some major attention today. I got caught up and left about 7 minutes later than usual to pick Cole up. I was really pushing it to be on time. I NEVER pick Cole up late from school. NEVER. PERIOD. I would have made it on time except I didn;t account for an accident on the road and zero visibility due to rain. I was crying on the way to pick Cole up because all I could think of was Cole sitting there, in his classroom, all alone with his teachers, wondering where his mom was. I was horrified. Then I thought I was going to die because I couldn't see oncoming cars and I couldn't will myself to pull over. Sounds dramatic... I know. I am. And I'm not even kidding. I get super emotional when I think of Cole missing me. Then I tried calling the school and it was busy, busy, busy. So I thought the lights must have gone out and then I thought of Cole, all alone, missing me, with no electricity. So I almost start hyperventilating and I call Will, so he can calm me down,....in the rain on the street which I cannot see....

"Get off the phone and concentrate or pull over. They will understand. Be careful. Be safe." He tells me.

So I take a deep breath. All of my friends who are not Valley-ites tease the Valley drivers that get all twisted in the rain. That's me!!!!! Hi guys. But listen, in my defense, we don't get much of it. And then, when you add some cool weather into it, I just run around in circles like a dog chasing it's tail. I'm sure it's rather hilarious for an observer but in my world, in my head, it is terrifying!

I get to school and park the tank. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that my sweet sweet Hubs and Father In Law have taken my car to get the oil changed, the lock fixed, and the wipers looked at. So I am driving Will's truck. Yes, little ol' me in the big ol' truck. (I know you think you know where this is going-just wait...)

So, I park the truck. Then I back it up and go around the parking lot trying to get the best possible available spot that will get Cole and I the least drenched. I return to the original spot and park. Beautifully, might I add Honey. I glance around-....what to take down/ I grab Cole's raincoat, take off my thongs (not those), grab the umbrella, and throw my raincoat over my head. I dash out of the truck and when I arrive to shelter, I turn around and lock the truck up. It is 1:36 p.m.

I walk out and I'm feeling real generous, real Super-Mom that I decide I'm wet enough to share the umbrella with the father of a classmate of Cole's. Truth be told, I don't think I could have carried Cole, my shoes, his lunchbox, and hold the raincoat over my head. No way I could have maneuvered an umbrella too! So I say goodbye to the dad and decide that Super Mom is going to battle the rain.

I walk out talking to another mom I know from my etiquette classes. She sees where I parked and offers to watch Cole so I can bring the truck closer into the rotunda and spare some wetness.It's now 1:47 pm. I run to the truck and when I walk up to it I see that the window has been shattered. My purse is gone, my phone is gone, the rain is ouring into the truck, and my mind goes blank for a minute. It felt as if I had gone under water and then panicked. What the fuck just happened?????

I don't even know what to do, where to begin. I run back to Cole and Lisa to regroup. I tell her what happened and then I dash off because I am freaking out that the rain is coming in the direction of the open window. Move the car. I don't even give it a second thought. I run back to the truck and then I get there and I'm all like, "Fuck", how do I move this fucker considering there is glass on my seat? No time to think. must act. quickly. rain coming in. I throw my raincoat over the glass, I jump in, and move the truck. Umm, I wear glasses....they were drenched. I can't see with the fog, and the rain hitting my face, and arms, and legs, and tits....so I take them off. Oops, blind as a bat. I managed to move it closer and kinda behind a tree and it seems to subdue the rain some.

I get out and finally borrow a phone (Lisa was calling the police). Ironically from the dad that I lent the umbrella to. I called Will, no answer. It's raining, it's cold and Cole looks like he might cry any second now. Finally I get a hold of Will and an hour later, cold, wet, phone-less me is on my way to the bank to close out my account. By this time, I am in vehicle #3 for the day. My father in law's big ol' truck. I am shitting bricks on my way to the bank. Please keep us safe. Please keep us safe. Please keep us safe. Will takes his truck to get the window fixed, in his suit, in the rain, without a window, my sweet sweet Prince Charming.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have reinforcements who are all upset I didn't call them. But you see, phones were hard to come by. Those that had phones were calling my hubby, letting me call the banks, calling the police, etc.

So, all in all, my purse with my phone, camera, passport, and checkbook were stolen. Thankfully, I had spent the cash I had that morning at Wal Mart. (You're welcome Honey!). They took 4 debit cards and I got to 2 before they were able to but the other 2 they made a couple of charges at gas stations. Then I had one credit card that they also made purchases with at gas stations. But it is all protected and we are safe.

I am most saddened by the contents of the camera. I had offered to take pictures for a friend at her son's birthdy party and I had not had time to download them. So B will have no picures of his 3rd birthday party.

Also, last Friday I had ran into the 2 most influential students of mine. I swear, the 2 students I think of all the time, I ran into on Friday, in a classroom, 6 years later! I took pictures of them and I and they are gone. I am so upset about that. So upset.

Pictures might be few and far between. We are down a camera. The one I carry in my purse:(

*Sigh*

Tailgating

I didn't even tell you all that Cole had strep. He has no signs of sickness what-so-ever. We thought that Cole might have been exposed to swine so we took him in to get tested. Now, I love our pediatrician, Dr. Johnson. Just. love. him. Wanna know why? Because he indulges my narcissism. Yuppers. He does. Every time we go in there he says "Mira, look at how beautiful he is. Now imagine if you had a girl?"

Me, I give Will the nod. He nods back. That is sooo what we say! He totally gets us! Anyway, I found out that he says that to all the patients but whatever, I think he totally means it when he says it to us.

Then, this one time, at band camp when I was nursing, Cole was 6 weeks old and I called him because I was suffering from sleep deprivation PPD. So I had to call him to make sure he was comfortable with me taking the prescribed meds. He advised me that he would rather either that I stop nursing or not take the pills. Then he asked me how I felt about that. So I said that I would find another way to deal with it. Then he said, "That tells me what kind of mother you are." And seriously, it put it all into perspective for me. I so needed someone to acknowledge how hard I was working at nursing 24-7 and to tell me I was doing a good job. And of all things, at mothering! Then, that night, Cole slept through the night and I was fine after that. Guess I was just a lot tired!

Then, another time, we went in to see him and I insisted he was sick. Cuz a mother just knows. He asked me why I thought he was sick. My reply was that his poop smelled bad. (Yes, I know, again with the poop!) He looked up at me and smiled, "Only a mother would think that their child's poop ever smelled good."

"Aww" says the mother.

So, I love Dr. Johnson. We went in on Thursday to their night clinic which opens at 6. I arrived at 6:05. I was #27. We left the office at 10:45 pm. Cole tested positive for strep. Still no symptoms though, thankfully.

We had to kill time outside because there were 6 swine flu cases in that waiting room (we later found out). The whole time we were tailgating outside the Docs office. Will backed the truck up and we sat n the tailgate. We ate flower seeds, we drank juice, we checked our texts and emails. Cole got to ride his motorized four wheeler around the medical complex. We had a good time outside together. Too bad it took a Drs. office to do that. I suppose we can be thankful for that: family time. Oh, and no flu.

101 Things about me

1. I fear I will never have a daughter.
2. I fear I will never have another child.
3. I am the Queen of Too Much Information.
4. I am the Queen of Keep in Touch.
5. I hate gypsies-you know who you are? You don't return calls, texts, or emails!
6. I've been sued.
7. I suck at math.
8. and time
9. and I get my rights and my lefts confused
10. Don't even ask me about North East South West!
11. I swallow my gum.
12. I like to look into people's homes as I am walking in the neighborhood. Evening is best, when the lights are on and the curtains aren't drawn.
13. I believe in rounding up...
14. I am 5 feet tall
15. I have one child.
16. He was hard to conceive.
17. My father hung the moon.
18. My husband lit the stars.
19. My son is the light of my life.
20. My mother shaped my heart.
21. My sister helped fill it.
22. I am a card designer.
23. I am never satisfied.
24. I am a big dreamer.
25. I am an even bigger believer.
26. I have had many successes.
27. I have had many more failures.
28. I cried before I went to my friend's baby shower. Alot. Inconsolably.
29. I have always wanted to be a mother.
30. I love being a mother!
31. I wish I was a better mother.
32. I love to swing but never can because Mommies have to push.
33. I dream of having a Tahoe or a Yukon.
34. I would love to live on acreage.
35. I was a long jumper. Ironic, I know? See #14.
36. I wish to grow closer to God
37. I have never smoked pot. Or done drugs.
38. I did get drunk. When I was 2. Ask my mother about it.
39. I remember my dad licking his finger and then wiping the Kool-Aid off my lips before school. Yum, the smell of Daddy spit all day!
40. I cried on my way to work a lot because all I wanted to do was be home and be a wife and mom and daughter, and sister and aunt.
41. I stay home now and I cry because money is tight.
42. I am crying right now too because I just got the first few signs that Aunt Flo will be here soon.
43. I love going out to eat. Not fast food, but where I can be waited on.
44. I have absolutely no depth perception.
45. I wish I was a better sister.
46. I hate olives but I crave them.
47. I think Cinnamon gum smells like spit.
48. I can waste the entire day on the computer.
49. I am not thankful enough to my husband, afterall, he lights the night sky for me. See #18.
49. I can walk with the dog bowl in hand towards the dog food and six hours later realize that the dog has not been fed. See #78.
50. I aim at making my dad proud of who I am.
51. My father is my barometer of good character. If I have made my father proud, I am doing well.
52. I find that writing 101 things about myself is easy. I like to talk about myself.
53. I want to have a house in the East, where my children can have white Christmases.
54. I have only been drunk twice in my life. See #38.
55. I used to make my dad drop me off two blocks from school because I was embarrassed of our car. A baby blue...
56. I wish I saw more of my brother. I miss him.
57. I wish I saw more of my brother in law. I miss him too.
58. I was sexually abused as a child. Twice. But not by my parents.
59. I am so thankful that I have found friends who have inspired me to grow closer to God.
60. I wish I was more mysterious. See #3.
61. My favorite time of the year is Fall. It is when I am most happy and less susceptible to bouts of depression.
62. I have always wanted to be a surrogate. Maybe someday, if I can get past my own infertility issues. *Sigh*
63. I relish in a dirty home. They are signs that a child lives here. And for that I am thankful.
64. My mother in law and I are very close. She had to cath me 3 days after I gave birth to my son. In my home, in my guest bedroom. I wasn't even embarrassed nor did I think twice about it.
65. My husband is patiently waiting for me to finish my 101 things so we can have sex. See #3 again.
66. I love that my father is a man of very little words.
67. I love that my mother is so emotional.
68. I desperately want another child.
69. I secretly pray for twins or triplets just so that I never have to struggle with getting pregnant again.
70. I eat a bunch of crap and coke.
71. I look like I am 16.
72. I am 30.
73. I like it when people try to guess my age.
74. I like it even more when their eyes pop out of their head when I tell them I am a mother to a toddler and that I am 30.
75. I have been carded for lottery tickets. I was 25.
76. Obviously, I didn't win. See #41.
77. I have taught elementary and high school. Regular and special ed.
78. I am self-diagnosed Adult ADD.
79. I have been to Cuba and seen the marvels of life without Starbucks.
80. I studied abroad one summer in Innsbruck, Austria and hope to take my family there one day.
81. I have been with my husband for 13 years (14 in November!).
82. My husband and I are high school sweethearts.
83. I suck at math and may have doubled up on a number. Also, I may have done it just to sneak one more thing about me in.
84. I am a certified Etiquette and Protocol Consultant.
85. I had a hard time feeling like I lived up to that title.
86. I feel a lot of shame that I can't get pregnant. I struggle with this image that somehow I have failed even though I know it is beyond my control.
86. I think Cole looks like a porcelain doll when he sleeps. - Oh, and I cheated again.
87. I like to talk about Cole and motherhood a lot, hence the blog.
88. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time with my family.
89. Every year I tell myself that the next year my house will look and smell like what I feel Fall is. By the looks and smell of my house, Fall sucks and 7 children live here.
90. I am blind as a bat.
91. I love quotes.
92. I love lemon and salt on tomatoes and cucumbers but it's too much work.
93. Hmmm, I wish I hadn't cheated at #49 and #86. I am running out of things to say.....
94. I get giddy when I am away from Cole for a few hours and I am about to see him. I'm like a school girl waiting for Santa.
95. I love to meet new people.
96. I fought an iPhone purchase my husband wanted and now I wish we'd gotten them.
97. I'd like to be a Mac girl but I can't afford the switch.
98. I had a benign tumor in my right breast removed at 16.
99. My right breast is smaller than the left.
100. Tomorrow I will be pissed that I didn't think to put something down and change a few of these.
101. I had sex during the making of this list. HeeHee. Fingers crossed! See #s 1, 2, 28, 42, and 68.

A Very Wealthy Life

This is the place where we admit it all. Where we say what we can’t say to our friends at the playground. To our neighbors at a backyard barbecue. Where we coddle the voice that sits within. The one that whines in frustration at all the chores and the failures. The deeds undone. The lives we don’t have. But we want. The people we see inside ourselves. But can’t always become.
This is the place where we try not to portray ourselves as someone in particular. We place no judgment. We find no fear. We look for resolve.
This is the place. Where I am most me.
And perhaps this is what is most scary. About being a mommy. That motherhood requires this place. For me. Right now. A secret world of blogs and tweets. Perceptions unveiled. Truths revealed. Melodies sung among a harmony of sisters online. Women. Mothers. Caretakers.
And I am just one woman.
I’m not scary smart. I don’t have a superior IQ. I’m not scary beautiful. My face bears no resemblance to an Italian Renaissance sculpture – except for maybe its pallor. I’m not scary gifted. I have no defining talent. No artistic outlet or craft, nor study nor hobby that regularly distracts me from the mundane. No natural ability that defines me in any sense. Besides parenting, that is. And everything that “parent” connotes.
I’m not scary emotional. I’m not scary stylish. I’m not scary mommish. I’m not scary conservative, or liberal, or bland. I’m not scary obstinate, nor scary lame. I’m not scary rich. But I’m wealthy. Yes I’m oh very scary wealthy.
Because,
you see,
there are these children.
These, them, those guys over there. Yup, right there. The ones that are tackling each other in the next room. I have them. They are my weakness. They breed my weakness. And I have no trouble admitting to it. Any of it. My love for them and my contempt. My anger and dismay about everything they take from me and all that I am not because of them. My ache and joy and every wish for everything they hope for and deserve.
Because of this scary, scary wealth, I am very scary honest. This, above all else, is what makes me a scary mom: my need to breathe honesty and truth about everything and all that I have become since children poured from my womb and broadened the capacity of my heart to love.
I struggle with this need for transparency. This need to explore the depths of emotion brought on by mothering three children. By raising my boys in the best way I know how. With trial and error. With great failures and even greater successes. I don’t need to list all that I do wrong. Nor tag all my flaws. They are there to be seen. I curse. I cry. I crave freedom. I expose it all for the world to see. And though sometimes I fear what the world sees in me, I fear not what I see in myself. It is my sole reason for truth. For honest emotion. For honestly writing about these emotions.
I need to be everything that I can be. This is my only shot. I am their only mother. This “gig.” This oh so overwhelming gig of motherhood. Caretaker. Mouthfeeder. Nurturer. Hugger. Kisser. Keeper of the hearts in this home of ours. It is a tall order. To fill it is daunting. I’m not sure I know how. Will ever know. Should even strive to know. What I do know is I put one toe out there and let the rest follow along. I have to trust that what I am about to do is all that I can do in any given moment, and yet remember that there is always another way to do it, and I am not stuck. And I can always just stop, and give someone a hug. And admit I am often clueless. And move on. And try again.
What I hope is that this honesty enriches my life – and the lives around me. That giving this of myself will be a model for my children. That they will see how hard I work to share my truest thoughts with them and the people that I love. And that no one will hold it against me that I’ve found a small niche of the universe to share it with.

I can't take credit for the super awesome writing above. It was written by Sarah of Momalom blog.


As I sit here I so wish I had the courage and the brains to have come up with something so honest and inspiring. But how true it is. I write in my blog and I write for my child, I write for my husband, I write for my sanity, I write for my memory, I write for my grandchildren, and their children....BUT I find that I censor myself for fear of alienating someone.

When I had first started blogging, I had a friend that had listed me as one of the blog she follows. So I quickly made sure I was following her on my sidebar and that people knew I was reading her blog. Then one day, as I was reading her blog, I noticed that she had taken my link off. I was worried that I had said something to offend her. Because occasionally, I cuss, because I am a potty mouth, because it feels. so. damn. good! And I started cheating myself. Censoring myself. And sometimes I would think of clever things to say, things that sooo defined me, or moved me, or inspired me, and I couldn't. And now I wish I had. Because I want my son to know me for ME. Because in this chaos that is life as a mommy and wife, I don't always have time to censor myself. So when Cole thinks back and can't remember Mommy ever saying "What the French Toast" it doesn't jog his memory. So today, Mommy is saying, without any fear of being honest:

"What the Fuck! Put my link back on your damn blog!!!!"

And also, if you ever say fuck and damn, I will never buy you another car or truck. Ever. You hear me Cole? Now get to bed damnit!!!!

And also, thank you to those that read my blog and continue to read my blog after I said fuck and damn over and over again. That was liberating!

..........

Hello.

You still there?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Fuck!

Slave-driving Toddler

Monday Cole started opening and closing the fridge and freezer all by himslef! It is not an accomplishment we are happy about. Proud yes. Happy,... not so much. Getting him to stop asking for white ice cream and ice pops just got harder.

Also, Cole woke up last night 4 times puking. He puked in every one of our beds because we are idiots and kept shuffling him around from bed to bed after a throw up session. No need to worry guests, we have mattress protectors!!!

We finally smartened up and let him sleep on the kitchen floor-just as he'd requested. And guess what? He didn't puke again. Oh, and I slept like $hit. But he is doing fine. Just a bug I suppose because to my complete and utter dismay, he was fired up and ready to go this morning. I was tired and wanted to take the day off but my boss, as usual, denied my requests. Toddlers can be such slave drivers!

Goodnight all! I still have some puke-y sheets and bedspreads to wash!

We'll see you soon Ivy!!!!

I am so excited about the weekend plans!!!! My friend Ivy, from St. Mary's University is visiting from China!!!! She moved back after graduation and I haven't seen her since graduation. She did the Cuba travel and study group with me. {Ooh, I have to post about my trip to Cuba!!!} She is squeezing me into her schedule. Super yay for me!!!

Actually, to be quite frank, she dotes on Cole. She affectionately refers to him as Little Cole. Shortly after Cole was born, she said she wanted to meet him. I always tease her because she said I should send him to her like via UPS or something. To this day I don't let her live it down. But she is like a very far away aunt that just adores Cole. And what mother wouldn't just dote on anyone who dotes on her littles? Not this one. She always asks after Cole, before even asking after me and it's so nice to be invited to talk about your littles. Usually, I have to steal opportunities to talk about Cole...

Really. I'll be at the supermarket and somehow I can manage to walk out having told 3 people a funny story about Cole. Ok, that's exaggerating, but I am one of those annoying people that you want to roll your eyes at and ask to shut up. Yeah, I'm that mom. Thanks for not bitch slapping me everyone:)

So, my point is that I get to see Ivy and she won't bitch slap me. Yay for me!

The picture above was taken in Cuba, at the house of Ernest Hemingway in front of his boat. I totally forgot we went there...

Haute Mama

Seriously, imagine being pregnant and looking like this (at 34 weeks!!!!):Does this not look like the work of the photographers and models that grace magazines today????Let me just tell you that this model and this photographer grace the Rio Grande Valley! Do I not have some talented and beautiful friends????

I will not reveal who my friend is (and if you know please don't say!!!) but I will reveal the marvelous lady that captured these shots. Her name is Melissa Rodriquez of Melissa Rodriguez Photography. I have mentioned her before on my blog. But what a neat idea for this session! Model was a wee bit shy about the "Maternity Boudoir" theme and she did get the traditional shots as well. But Melissa wanted to try something different on for size and I am so glad she did and that her model obliged. Because it's just pure art and how in the world can you keep that a secret?

If you're pregnant and want to capture these precious moments in the beauty and glory that it is, call Melissa!

So sadly, I have never had professional pictures taken because of that whole being poor thing. But if I get pregnant and look like that, I am selling my newborn to get these shots!!!!!

That was just a sneak peek. Click on the picture and it will take you to Melissa's blog and you can see the rest. Really! What are you waiting for? They are fantastic!

I have something to tell you.

I am constantly amazed at how brilliant my child is. I know every mother says this, but this time it's for real. My kid is like super duper manipulative smart.

Hunny Buns was watching tv, sipping on a beer, I was where I ALWAYS am (um here, duh!), and Cole was climbing the barstools.

Cole: "Daddy! I'm stuck! Get me down."

Daddy: "You got yourself up there now you get yourself down."

Pause.

Cole: "Mommy come here! I have to tell you something!"

I get up and walk over there. Not because I worry but because I am dying to know how this is going to play out.

Me: "Did you have something to tell me?"

Cole: "Yeah....Look Mommy. I'm up here... Now get me down."

Talk to me Baby!!!!

I love it when readers leave comments. I especially love it when people chat with me. Sadly, sometimes I am away from my computer and I'll miss the chat alert. It might be because I am cleaning flour, juice, or pee...all in a day's work (see yesterday's post). But I hate it when I miss someone.

Will had gotten home early yesterday and when I finally got back on my computer I found a chat that I had missed from an anonymous reader.

"Hi! I don't know you but I like your blog. I got it off of another blog who said you were one of their fav. I think your stories are so cute and funny! I am new to the whole blog world...I pray you are feeling better. Your son makes me laugh."

So I just wanted to shout out to anonymous and say Hello and Thank You for your prayers! I am sorry I missed you but please please keep coming back! Please. Pretty please, with some flour on top?

Sp please feel free to leave a comment or chat from the little tool on the right of the screen where it says Message me will ya?

Oh, and by the way, I think my son makes me laugh too,... and cry, and swear....

Dough Boy

I was sick as a dog Sunday. I stayed in bed ALL DAY. I mean All. Freakin'. Day. I have the best husbnad and mother in law ever. They watched Cole for me and let me get better.

Monday rolled around and I was feeling much better but still tired so I pleaded with the boss to let me take it easy that day. My toddler was all like REQUEST DENIED!

So I gave him his cheese slice. Then he said he wanted apple juice. Having been sick the day before, there were no clean sippy cups. So I gave him his juice in a cup, with no lid because pulling out a straw would have proved too strenuous. He spilled it conveniently next to the dirty towels pile that didn't get washed also due to said sickness.

Fine, just a little hiccup in our day. So I decided to check my email and reply to a few clients and Cole was standing behind me, leaning on the couch. I heard liquid hitting the tile floor. Before I can even turn around, he says gleefully, "Mommy I gotta go potty." So I turn around and sure enough, he's standing in a puddle of piss. So I give him a "mini bath". Just hose him down and get him dressed.

I sit him on the couch for Cars to babysit him while I bathe. I am in the shower and he comes in and says "I'm hungry. I want pancakes."

"Be right out to make you some, love." Yeah. I'm still surprisingly chipper because I'm all doped up on NyQuil and Robitussin and antibiotics.

I get out and get dressed and I walk into the kitchen to find a reenactment of this. Remember the Powder Room fiasco? Well I do, because I'm still cleaning it! That's right! 3 months later I still find little mounds of baby powder in Cole's room.

Silver Lining - something to blog about. "Quick Cole, smile for the camera!"



Those towels on the floor are from the apple juice I had cleaned up. The clothes is from the laundry that was being washed as the sickies struck.

Will got home and Cole was spinning circles around him. Like really trying to get dizzy. He was yelling and just being wild. Full of energy. Will looks at me bewildered and asks, "Has he been like this all day?"

If he only knew!

My Only Obstacles

I got a Newsletter just today and I opened it up and read:

Reaching a long distance location is as easy as 1,2,3: Buy a ticket, pack, and fly! Time and the looming question of, "When would I possibly be able to break away from my current daily responsibilities to enjoy such an adventure?" are my only obstacles.

and I thought to myself:

"Self,... if time was your only obstacle, you'd be living pretty darn good!"

"Are your parents home?"

We get almost daily visitors to our door trying to sell us lawn mowing services, cookies, windmill electricity, meat, etc. I hate opeing the doors. I never, and I mean NEVER answer the door. I usually have to corral Cole into one of the back bedrooms and "hide" out. Seriously. No kidding. I scatter as if immigration has come for us.

So anyway, I have this fear of strangers at the door. It started when I was pregnant and somebody said how people have their babies stolen from them towards the end of their pregnancies. Come to think of it, it was a Lifetime movie. I like Lifetime...

But it really gets to me because they always come and ring the doorbell like 3 times, like if they were being called down to play on the "Price is Right". Oh, and did I mention that it usually happens during nap time? Well, of course it does.

9 times out of 10 I don't answer it. But lately, my little monkey has become quite the host. He usually yells "Who dat is?" at the door. Then he tries frantically to open it. So I can't hide. I have to open it. And then they have the audacity to ask me "Is your Mom or Dad home?"

Unreliable Sources

Yup. I did, er do, embezzle money from my family.

Occassionally, I will not share information on a sale with my family. So I may make a sale and then take a few bucks off the top (some husbands may call it skimming) and deposit it into my own personal account. At another bank. Then, when I have a lot, like $15, I might take that debit card from said "extra" account and go to Hobby Lobby and go crazy. By crazy I mean I might buy something and not even think about whether or not I should be buying it. I just buy it, like a crazy mad woman who doesn't have to think about what she is buying because she stole the money.

Last weekend I went online to buy some digital goodies with the embezzled money. So I clicked the Buy Now button and then I realized that I had a coupon to use. So I cancelelled the purchase and bought it again with the coupon. Well, won't you know that it took the bank 7 full days to release that pre authorization. Which means that it debited that amount from my account twice? Meanwhile I still had more stuff to buy. So I had to make an emergency trip to the bank to deposit a few extra dollars (oh yeah, which I had to "skim" from Cole's piggy bank) to make my extra purchase and cover me until the pre-auth was released.

So I thought that if I told Cole we were going to the bank before school it might put a little pep in his step. He was excited and off we went. Then I dropped him off, bought the goods and went on with the rest of the day.

Will gets home and they talk and play as I am on the computer. I had forgotten about the whole money thing by the afternoon. Cole however had not. I overhear the conversation and it goes a little like this:

"What did you do today?"

"I went to the bank."

"You didn't go the bank. Pause. Who did you go to the bank with?"

"Mommy and me go to the bank."

"Honey, did you go to the bank?"

Crap! "Um, no. What business would I have at the bank?"

"Cole, did you go to the bank today with Mommy?"

"Yup!"

"Honey, Cole is convinced you went to the bank."

Now I'm in too deep. "Seriously Will, he's 2. They probably learned about the bank at school. I did not go to the bank."

The highlight of his day must have been the bank because that turd talked about how we went to the bank all damn evening! Telling Daddy over and over again how we went to the bank. Urgh!

So the night finally ended and we went to bed. I woke up and the pre auth had cleared and I needed to go back and withdraw Cole's money to return it into his piggy bank before it was discovered that it was gone.

"Cole, let's go."

"Where we going Mommy?"

Ha! I am not telling you. You little rat! "We're going to take a ride in mommy's car. C'mon!"

"Where?"

By this time I know he's not gonna let it go and then even if I don't tell him he's going to figure it out when we pull up to the drive through he seemed to enjoy so much yesterday. So I debate calling Will and just confessing the whole thing. It is eating me alive and I can't keep coming up with lies to cover the other lies. It's getting out of control.

But then it occurs to me that I have created an unreliable source. And I like that. I can see it already. In 3 years Cole and I might go to the mall and when he snitches that I bought a lot of stuff I can always say, "Honey, he's a story teller. Remember when he was 2 and he told that story how we went to the bank and we never did? It's just like that."